Well Stevie Nicks I also have been afraid of changing and now more than ever am I realizing I’m getting older too. Something that really solidified that was not only the fact I am turning 30 this year, but the fact that Stranger Things has come to an end. One last thing we got to hold onto from the glorious and magical Summer of 2016. As we sit here watching a show season after season, watching these now adults play their once child roles, somewhere along the lines we also grew too. 

It has now been a week since the finale aired on New Years Eve so I gave you PLENTY of time to catch up, I’ll keep it vague. The scene with the older kids 18 months later on the roof is what sparked this idea for a blog. Robyn, Jonathan, Steve, and Nancy are on the rooftop of WSQK sharing a beer and catching up on life because everyone but Steve has left town. When Robyn made us all emo saying “there actually is something I miss about this place. I miss this. Just us hanging out, I miss you guys.” That was not only a gut punch, but it was again what sparked this feeling. 

They all plan to meet up once a month at a neutral place, and then they cheer to not let overbearing significant others, school, mortgages, and kids get in their way. The sad part is in reality, that probably won’t happen. Not to be a Debbie Downer, trust me I am always optimistic, but sometimes when we sail through the changing ocean tides life gets in the way. New jobs, new cities, sometimes even new people; but that can never replace the spot in the heart for the old. 

When this show first aired and I was drawn to the tv screen I was just a young dumb 20 year old college kid, so its ending felt like a good time to look back especially since the end of the finale felt so nostalgic. Not only the friends on top of the roof, but the graduation struck a nerve because it has now been 11 years since I graduated high school and 7 years since I graduated college, YUCK. I have done a lot of maturing and growing up these past two years to the point I would not even recognize not only the 20 year old me who first watched Stranger Things but even the me 3 years ago. Sometimes growing up isn’t so bad, it’s the growing old.

Then as if the finale had not made me sob enough, Mike decided to do his damn story teller thing and make me ugly cry just a little bit more. When he says “well it is true, the comfort and happiness part. But happiness can be found in many places,” it kind of hit me like a train. Like I mentioned about the growth, I used to find happiness in different ways and some were not healthy for me or the people around me. Now I can find it in many different ways, and they do not harm me. I have found that there can always be happiness, even on the darkest of days, if I’m just brave enough to keep searching. 

As the kids put their books away one last time (again ugly tears) we are reminded that time is a cruel and inevitable thing. It made me think of this post I saw a while back saying “one day we all played outside for the last time without knowing it was the last time,” same concept. We see them in real time turn their backs on their childhoods excited for their next chapters, but also sad to close the door on this chapter. This creates a sense of nostalgia for the viewer reflecting back on moments that might have felt like this, one chapter ensign and the next beginning. Mike turns one last time and sees his sister and her friends run into the basement to play and he sees a reflection of him and his friends in them, then the door finally closes. 

The amazing thing about feeling nostalgic or reflecting on old times is that it means you had wonderful friends and moments with them. The reality of the older kids(us) probably not getting together every month is unfortunate but we all need to look at it and be thankful our paths even crossed. Like have you ever sat here and thought about how many people there are in this world, now think of the odds of your path and your partner/best friend/other best friend crossing is. I have so many wonderful friends and to think that our paths can still cross to this day is amazing. Sometimes I think we worry a little too much about the next person or the next move, that we don’t take time to really appreciate what we have in front of us. I have best friends that I have had for 20+ years, 15+ years, 10 + years, etc and sometimes I truly sit here and think about how crazy not only the longevity is, but that our paths had even crossed and continued to.  

It can be really sad when something comes to an end but there is beauty in beginnings. Change can be scary but we need to Believe and not be afraid of changing, sometimes we need to stand in the wreckage because happiness can be found in many places.

​

Dear Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr,

 I have just one question, how dare you? Mr. "I'll retire when I suck," I know that would be just an endless waiting game because it might be impossible for the Greatest of All-Time to suck. But to hang up the cleats after yet another MVP caliber season at the age of FORTY-FOUR is something I did not see coming.

As difficult as it might have been for you to write that Instagram post, this hurts too. Growing up a die hard Boston sports fan my whole life there had been one consistent factor: YOU. You came into the league when I was just four years old and now have a very sad 25 year old writing this letter. 

So how does this scrawny kid from California change not only a whole franchise, but change a whole city into Title Town? The simple answer is always wanting "the next one." I was far too young to fully be able to comprehend the greatness I was witnessing. I just knew losing wasn't a part of the New England way or even in our vocabulary at the time. YOU did that, you made that possible.

It's Not 2007 No More

I don't think it was until the 2007 season, where I understood just what I was witnessing, which definitely catapulted your name into the GOAT conversation. Your mentality of coming out and trying to "kill teams" really showed when 10 of our 16 wins were by 21 or more points. Having Randy Moss as a weapon in your arsenal was a work of art and felt surreal to watch week after week. Throwing 50 touchdown passes, which was a record at the time, seemed unheard of. We'll end this little segment with us finishing the regular season undefeated and 16-0 because I try to forget that Super Bowl.

The Second Dynasty

Now that I was older, the second dynasty just felt so much better because I already understood that my team had the greatest quarterback to ever pick up a football. I still get chills watching that Malcolm Butler interception that happened seven years ago like it just happened. Your shrieks of excitement was what all of New England felt at the moment watching you clinch your fourth Super Bowl win. That was my senior year of high school and my first Championship parade. After my first parade experience I knew one thing... I wanted many, many more.

I had no idea I only had to wait two more years for the next one. Also I don't think any of the Super Bowl wins will ever top this one. The rollercoaster of emotions experienced as a little drunk sophomore in college watching this game in a crammed dorm room will be solidified as one of my favorites and quite possibly one of the best Super Bowl games ever(at least for non-Atlanta fans). I have a video saved on my phone with the time stamp of 6:04 left in the 3rd quarter and the score being 28-3 and I slur the words "Yo snap we're down but I still believe in the GOAT." Drunk thoughts or words coming from a man who knows nothing seems too impossible for YOU. From the BOOMtower strip-sack to Edelman screaming "I CAUGHT IT," there are so many key factors to his amazing come back win that I'm sure I'll be blabbering about to my grandkids someday.

The final Super Bowl win against the Rams wasn't the most eventful game but a win is a win. I remember watching this one also with a bunch of my college buddies crammed into a friends living room and the celebrations after the game ended were just like it was winning our first one all over again. Even with a winning culture here in New England, each championship felt better than the last. Which goes to show your quote is true, "my favorite ring is the next one."

The First Farewell, Which Led to the Final One

On March 17, 2020 the news broke that you were not going to re-sign with New England and just three days later you signed with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This one hurt more than my actual father leaving me, okay maybe not I just say this all the time but my former therapists would probably beg to differ. For as long as I watched football, you weren't just my guy you were THE GUY. I had no idea how to react at first. I was bitter, like fine man leave we don't want you anyways. MAN was that a lie, I wanted you then and I want ya now Tommy boy. It took a few months but once the season kicked off and you weren't here in NE I was back in your corner. I realized, how can I hate someone for going to do what is best for them. It was at that moment I learned that I would root for you in whatever you do in life, football or not, because I was thankful for the amazing 20-year tenure you had here with the Patriots. I was rooting for the TOMpa Bay Buccaneers when you went on to win ring number seven. I learned to cheer you on every week even though you were no longer a Patriot, except for when you returned home to Foxborough. That was weird, it was the first time in my life I had to root against Tom Brady, is this how all of America has felt the past 22 years? That's tough.

Now here we are, at the final farewell which feels surreal to be saying. Since I was a child I looked forward to seeing Tom Brady suit up every Sunday and give it his all. When Adam Schefter broke the news I didn't want to believe it until I heard the words come from your mouth. Well yesterday, they did and it hurt just as bad as when I saw Schefter's tweet. I cannot be mad, like you said football is an "all-in proposition" and that if "100% competitive commitment isn't there you won't succeed." But seeing you say you are no longer going to make that competitive commitment, that was tough. Yet how can I be upset that a FOURTY FOUR year old man doesn't want to go out on a field and get hit by absolute wrecking balls, cause even at 25 I cannot imagine stepping on that field with all the beasts that play in the NFL.
Life is short and nothing is guaranteed so I am just grateful that you are able to walk away from this sport on your own terms. It almost seems fitting that in your final game of your unreal career was 27-3 comeback, and you scored 24 unanswered points. Although you didn't win the game, what is more Tom Brady than a comeback from behind like that? Of course we'd like to see you come out with another Super Bowl win and then ride of into the sunset but we know sometimes life doesn't always work that way.

So this is for you Tom, thanks for 22 years of countless memories. It was a joy getting to grow up and watch you not only take over the league, but to have one of the most impressive reigns anyone has ever seen. From "QB number 12" to being known as the Greatest of All Time. No one has done it quite like this scrawny little kid from California, and no one probably ever will.

Enjoy retirment Tommy Terrific, your life is just beginning!​

Before I start this piece off I just want to say to my fellow Kings, keep your heads up. For the longest time I thought showing emotions or telling anyone how truly depressed I am was me showing how weak I was. With my parents splitting when I was a freshman in high school, I felt the need to grow up faster than most and look out for my younger siblings and make sure they had someone that would always be in their corners. I couldn't cry or show how hurt I was, I had to act like a man. But what 14 year old knows how to act like a man? That isn't the point of this blog post though, I just wanted it be addressed first that mens mental health DOES in fact matter. We should be there for our fellow brothers with open arms and an understanding mindset,  you never know what demons someone is fighting behind closed doors.

NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM

I'm not going to lie to you guys, but Quarantine Depression mixed with my Regular Depression really kicked my ass like it did to most people during this very strange and never-ending year. I have always been my biggest critic when it came to my photography, my writing, and my body. That being said these last 8 months have taken its toll on my passions. There was a point and time where I was ready to hang my camera up and just call a quits on one of my favorite things to do. Why? Because my thoughts have a mind of its own and I can't really control it sometimes especially when its my own thoughts bringing myself down.

If it wasn't for getting a new job at Night Shift Brewery and leaving my old job that made me miserable everyday I had to wake up and drag myself to, I don't think I would still be taking pictures. I gave myself a little challenge every time I worked at the Beer Garden on the Esplanade: Bring my camera bag with me every day and capture at least 5 different pictures of the beautiful scenery that I would be content with. Soon those 5 pictures turned into 10, then it turned into a whole series I did. It's always about that little extra push that can spark someones passion right back up. Since then I've done a Cousins Holiday Card photoshoot, my first car photoshoot, and the most exciting was I took photos of someone's three year sobriety anniversary. Just knowing people have seen MY work and want to book me for any of these is such a humbling and blessed feeling. Especially since just 3 months ago I was ready to never take another picture.

The one thing quarantine REALLY effected was something I've been great at since a child: WRITING! 
I've always enjoyed writing, telling stories, and covering sports I love so much. So you can imagine getting laid-off from my first paid writing job out of college really got to my head. Not to mention being stuck inside my house for months, and just not feeling very creative, really took a toll on me. I have wanted to just sit down and write for SO LONG but I just could not get this gray cloud out from above my head, all I had was these sad and depressing thoughts and I was like, "man no one wants to hear this shit."

It wasn't until I stumbled across this one picture a few weeks back that has had me thinking A LOT. It finally helped me get passed this writers block and back to doing what I love: putting my thoughts onto a paper (but it's 2020 and everything's online now so here's a blog).

This picture really caught my attention because this Holiday will mark FIVE WHOLE YEARS since I looked at a picture of myself and knew I needed a change. Around November of 2014 I was the heaviest weight I ever reached of 250 pounds. My whole life I battled with being overweight and obese, it wasn't until the darkest time of my life where I really blew up and gained over 30 pounds over 10 months. My depression was at an all-time high in January of 2014 when I lost one of my closest friends in a car accident. That girl was my therapist, she was one of the two people I knew at the time who had gone through their parents getting a divorce and Julia was always in my corner to talk me through my dark times. Now what if your light on a cloudy day was just gone in the blink of an eye? My world came crashing down and man was I on a downward spiral. Only being 17, I have never encountered such pain as a I did losing a friend. There were three escapes I had from my world that was full of depression: Weed, Alcohol, and the one I abused the most FOOD. For the longest time, I didn't see anything wrong with my copping mechanisms, cause for a short period of time I felt relief from this cruel world whether I was drunk, high, or full of junk food. It wasn't until I took a family photo with my siblings like I did every holiday for Thanksgiving and my sister posted the caption that ended with "#PJLooksAdopted" .... No it wasn't just cause my sisters are twins and my brother is around their age and they look like triplets (sorry guys it's true), but it was because I was so much larger than the rest of them that made me seem like the misfit of the group. That's when I knew I had to do something about the spiral my life was on.
​

My New Years Resolution for 2015 was to not lose weight, but just to be healthier. Little did I know my whole life was going to change. I remember my first time at the gym and trying to run on the treadmill, I lasted maybe a good 30 seconds and was immediately like "man, I cannot do this." But guess what, my fat ass was there again at Planet Fitness the next night trying all over again. I started off by setting a goal of a mile-a-day on the treadmill and hoping eventually I could jog the whole thing because finishing my mile in 14 minutes was embarrassing. I just knew I could do better, some way some how. That right there is when I began the never-ending fight with my biggest competitor and critique: The man I saw in the mirror.

Looking back now, my dedication when I first started is inspiring. Not only was I in school from 7:45-2:15 trying to prepare for college and get through Senior Year, I was working 3-9 on school nights as well. Yet I always still made sure I went to the gym 4-5 days a week during the school week after I got out of work. Just thinking about that schedule makes my head hurt, but it goes to prove that short-term sacrifices will indeed pay off.

By the time Prom came around in May, I was down 30 pounds and felt on top of the world. 

Then September rolled around and I moved into my dorms at Salem State University with two of my best friends from home (Shoutout Tom, Jalen, & the Dirty Ditch). It wasn't until I got there that I finally started lifting weights after only doing cardio and core workouts for my first 8-9 months of my fitness journey. I was so scared that moving out on my own for the first time and being my own adult that I was going to blow back up and not continue working out. Luckily one of my best friends I made during my time out there at SSU (Shoutout my man Vinny the Poo) was a freak of nature and loved to workout everyday. This might be the only time I'll give him credit for it because it will definitely get to his head, but if it wasn't for Vin pushing me day in and day out I would not be in the position I'm in physically. We might have been on two completely different fitness journeys (I was fat and wanted to get smaller whereas he was skinny and wanted to get larger) but when I saw him going for one more set or a heavier weight it always pushed me to want to do more and go harder. I would always be like "if he can do it why can't I?" and man did that kick my ass a lot of the times because heres a little secret *Vinny might be superhuman*
because no one should be able to finish off a 2 hour workout with REPS, and I mean reps, of muscle ups.

Three years ago back in 2017 I had reached my lowest weight EVER of 173 pounds but that is not a great accomplishment, actually i'm quite embarrassed about that time of my life. Body Dysmorphia is a REAL thing my friends and boy is it ugly. For the longest time I became so obsessed with the number on the scale I did not see how sick I really looked. When I looked in the mirror I still saw that same picture of me from Thanksgiving that haunts me to this day. It got to a point where I would barely eat one meal a day and there were sometimes where I didn't eat at all and was literally starving myself. After I snapped out of that dark time I blew back up to about 200 pounds which I thought was me "bulking" but it wasn't I was just going back to my previous unhealthy days and eating like I was a 250 lb kid again. I thought it was okay because I was working out everyday so why couldn't I eat everything I wanted?

The quote from the picture that sparked this blog post, "IF THE VERSION OF YOU FROM 5 YEARS AGO COULD SEE YOU RIGHT NOW, THEY'D BE SO PROUD. KEEP GOING, helped me notice just how far I've really come physically and mentally. This definitely has not been the easiest journey over the last five years, there's been a lot of curveballs tossed my way but hey that's life. If someone was to tell 250 lb PJ who just got on the treadmill for the first time, that just pressing that button to start the belt would be the reason he would lose over 70 pounds over the next five years and find a new passion, I wouldn't believe it. Here I am finally in the 170's again, but the healthy way. I worked my ass off and meal prepped to help maintain a healthy lifestyle. I did it the right way without starving myself and found away to finally appreciate the man I saw in the mirror. To look my own reflection in the eyes and say "you fucking did this, you may not be happy with where you are, but you did this." Although I still fight my demons everyday and it seems to be a never ending battle with myself, being able to talk about my feelings and express it to others is a new thing to me but it feels so much better than bottling everything up and feeling like a ticking time bomb. So 250 lb PJ formally known by close friends as "Fat PJ" I hope you're proud of me and I have a few words for you.

To the Me 5 Years Ago,

There might not seem like there's ever going to be a light at the end of the tunnel and you're going to go on for a while waking up everyday questioning why God took Julia and not you, but don't worry buddy it does get better. You do get better, but then you hit another low when you lose another childhood best friend during your first month in college. Now you wake up everyday wondering why TWO of your friends and not you. But you find a purpose and a new passion, you pick up a camera and don't look back. You shoot a wedding, an engagement shoot, and many more fun shoots in-between. You fall in love, and sadly fall out of love but it's the circle of life playa. I want you to take a good look at the best friends you have around you because those are your rocks man, and I mean it. If I didn't have these amazing souls around me I wouldn't be here. For a long time the only thing I had going for me was seeing my friends, it was the only sunlight on my darkest days. If you guys are reading this part too, I love each and one of y'all from the bottom of my heart man as I'm wiping tears from my eyes pouring these emotions out right now. You graduate with those same best friends around you and nothing makes you happier than seeing your brothers (and sisters you know I can't forget my girl Gabbi). Everyone is going to tell you that going to school for journalism is tough and could be a stupid decision in a dying field, want to know what you got to say about that? FUCK EM! You got the skills my man, trust your heart and don't listen to your dark thoughts. You pressing the start button on that treadmill on the first day at the gym WILL change your life completely and want to know why? Cause we aren't a fucking quitter, once you start something finish that shit and always try to be the hardest worker in the room. You are going to lose 70 pounds, then there's plenty of bulking and cutting seasons in between. I know you're reading this and are like BULKING??? I just lost all this weight, but it's for the best. I'm not going to lie and say everyday is going to get  better though, cause if I'm being honest I still have plenty of dark days. However, you get to a point where it's okay to talk about those dark days. You're able to talk highly about your two friends who passed away, and not have to cry or hide all the emotions you are currently bottling up inside or trying to hide with food, booze, or weed. I just want you to know I am so damn proud of you for taking that first step and turning that treadmill on because if you didn't I wouldn't be here writing this to you today. Always remember your friends are looking down on you and they are so damn proud of you too man. 

Until Next Time
-PJ

Hopefully I can look back at this first blog post in five years and say "Damn man, I'm so proud you finally got out of that damn writers block."