Where Do You See Yourself in 5 Years?

Before I start this piece off I just want to say to my fellow Kings, keep your heads up. For the longest time I thought showing emotions or telling anyone how truly depressed I am was me showing how weak I was. With my parents splitting when I was a freshman in high school, I felt the need to grow up faster than most and look out for my younger siblings and make sure they had someone that would always be in their corners. I couldn't cry or show how hurt I was, I had to act like a man. But what 14 year old knows how to act like a man? That isn't the point of this blog post though, I just wanted it be addressed first that mens mental health DOES in fact matter. We should be there for our fellow brothers with open arms and an understanding mindset,  you never know what demons someone is fighting behind closed doors.

NOW BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM

I'm not going to lie to you guys, but Quarantine Depression mixed with my Regular Depression really kicked my ass like it did to most people during this very strange and never-ending year. I have always been my biggest critic when it came to my photography, my writing, and my body. That being said these last 8 months have taken its toll on my passions. There was a point and time where I was ready to hang my camera up and just call a quits on one of my favorite things to do. Why? Because my thoughts have a mind of its own and I can't really control it sometimes especially when its my own thoughts bringing myself down.

If it wasn't for getting a new job at Night Shift Brewery and leaving my old job that made me miserable everyday I had to wake up and drag myself to, I don't think I would still be taking pictures. I gave myself a little challenge every time I worked at the Beer Garden on the Esplanade: Bring my camera bag with me every day and capture at least 5 different pictures of the beautiful scenery that I would be content with. Soon those 5 pictures turned into 10, then it turned into a whole series I did. It's always about that little extra push that can spark someones passion right back up. Since then I've done a Cousins Holiday Card photoshoot, my first car photoshoot, and the most exciting was I took photos of someone's three year sobriety anniversary. Just knowing people have seen MY work and want to book me for any of these is such a humbling and blessed feeling. Especially since just 3 months ago I was ready to never take another picture.

The one thing quarantine REALLY effected was something I've been great at since a child: WRITING! 
I've always enjoyed writing, telling stories, and covering sports I love so much. So you can imagine getting laid-off from my first paid writing job out of college really got to my head. Not to mention being stuck inside my house for months, and just not feeling very creative, really took a toll on me. I have wanted to just sit down and write for SO LONG but I just could not get this gray cloud out from above my head, all I had was these sad and depressing thoughts and I was like, "man no one wants to hear this shit."

It wasn't until I stumbled across this one picture a few weeks back that has had me thinking A LOT. It finally helped me get passed this writers block and back to doing what I love: putting my thoughts onto a paper (but it's 2020 and everything's online now so here's a blog).

This picture really caught my attention because this Holiday will mark FIVE WHOLE YEARS since I looked at a picture of myself and knew I needed a change. Around November of 2014 I was the heaviest weight I ever reached of 250 pounds. My whole life I battled with being overweight and obese, it wasn't until the darkest time of my life where I really blew up and gained over 30 pounds over 10 months. My depression was at an all-time high in January of 2014 when I lost one of my closest friends in a car accident. That girl was my therapist, she was one of the two people I knew at the time who had gone through their parents getting a divorce and Julia was always in my corner to talk me through my dark times. Now what if your light on a cloudy day was just gone in the blink of an eye? My world came crashing down and man was I on a downward spiral. Only being 17, I have never encountered such pain as a I did losing a friend. There were three escapes I had from my world that was full of depression: Weed, Alcohol, and the one I abused the most FOOD. For the longest time, I didn't see anything wrong with my copping mechanisms, cause for a short period of time I felt relief from this cruel world whether I was drunk, high, or full of junk food. It wasn't until I took a family photo with my siblings like I did every holiday for Thanksgiving and my sister posted the caption that ended with "#PJLooksAdopted" .... No it wasn't just cause my sisters are twins and my brother is around their age and they look like triplets (sorry guys it's true), but it was because I was so much larger than the rest of them that made me seem like the misfit of the group. That's when I knew I had to do something about the spiral my life was on.
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My New Years Resolution for 2015 was to not lose weight, but just to be healthier. Little did I know my whole life was going to change. I remember my first time at the gym and trying to run on the treadmill, I lasted maybe a good 30 seconds and was immediately like "man, I cannot do this." But guess what, my fat ass was there again at Planet Fitness the next night trying all over again. I started off by setting a goal of a mile-a-day on the treadmill and hoping eventually I could jog the whole thing because finishing my mile in 14 minutes was embarrassing. I just knew I could do better, some way some how. That right there is when I began the never-ending fight with my biggest competitor and critique: The man I saw in the mirror.

Looking back now, my dedication when I first started is inspiring. Not only was I in school from 7:45-2:15 trying to prepare for college and get through Senior Year, I was working 3-9 on school nights as well. Yet I always still made sure I went to the gym 4-5 days a week during the school week after I got out of work. Just thinking about that schedule makes my head hurt, but it goes to prove that short-term sacrifices will indeed pay off.

By the time Prom came around in May, I was down 30 pounds and felt on top of the world. 

Then September rolled around and I moved into my dorms at Salem State University with two of my best friends from home (Shoutout Tom, Jalen, & the Dirty Ditch). It wasn't until I got there that I finally started lifting weights after only doing cardio and core workouts for my first 8-9 months of my fitness journey. I was so scared that moving out on my own for the first time and being my own adult that I was going to blow back up and not continue working out. Luckily one of my best friends I made during my time out there at SSU (Shoutout my man Vinny the Poo) was a freak of nature and loved to workout everyday. This might be the only time I'll give him credit for it because it will definitely get to his head, but if it wasn't for Vin pushing me day in and day out I would not be in the position I'm in physically. We might have been on two completely different fitness journeys (I was fat and wanted to get smaller whereas he was skinny and wanted to get larger) but when I saw him going for one more set or a heavier weight it always pushed me to want to do more and go harder. I would always be like "if he can do it why can't I?" and man did that kick my ass a lot of the times because heres a little secret *Vinny might be superhuman*
because no one should be able to finish off a 2 hour workout with REPS, and I mean reps, of muscle ups.

Three years ago back in 2017 I had reached my lowest weight EVER of 173 pounds but that is not a great accomplishment, actually i'm quite embarrassed about that time of my life. Body Dysmorphia is a REAL thing my friends and boy is it ugly. For the longest time I became so obsessed with the number on the scale I did not see how sick I really looked. When I looked in the mirror I still saw that same picture of me from Thanksgiving that haunts me to this day. It got to a point where I would barely eat one meal a day and there were sometimes where I didn't eat at all and was literally starving myself. After I snapped out of that dark time I blew back up to about 200 pounds which I thought was me "bulking" but it wasn't I was just going back to my previous unhealthy days and eating like I was a 250 lb kid again. I thought it was okay because I was working out everyday so why couldn't I eat everything I wanted?

The quote from the picture that sparked this blog post, "IF THE VERSION OF YOU FROM 5 YEARS AGO COULD SEE YOU RIGHT NOW, THEY'D BE SO PROUD. KEEP GOING, helped me notice just how far I've really come physically and mentally. This definitely has not been the easiest journey over the last five years, there's been a lot of curveballs tossed my way but hey that's life. If someone was to tell 250 lb PJ who just got on the treadmill for the first time, that just pressing that button to start the belt would be the reason he would lose over 70 pounds over the next five years and find a new passion, I wouldn't believe it. Here I am finally in the 170's again, but the healthy way. I worked my ass off and meal prepped to help maintain a healthy lifestyle. I did it the right way without starving myself and found away to finally appreciate the man I saw in the mirror. To look my own reflection in the eyes and say "you fucking did this, you may not be happy with where you are, but you did this." Although I still fight my demons everyday and it seems to be a never ending battle with myself, being able to talk about my feelings and express it to others is a new thing to me but it feels so much better than bottling everything up and feeling like a ticking time bomb. So 250 lb PJ formally known by close friends as "Fat PJ" I hope you're proud of me and I have a few words for you.

To the Me 5 Years Ago,

There might not seem like there's ever going to be a light at the end of the tunnel and you're going to go on for a while waking up everyday questioning why God took Julia and not you, but don't worry buddy it does get better. You do get better, but then you hit another low when you lose another childhood best friend during your first month in college. Now you wake up everyday wondering why TWO of your friends and not you. But you find a purpose and a new passion, you pick up a camera and don't look back. You shoot a wedding, an engagement shoot, and many more fun shoots in-between. You fall in love, and sadly fall out of love but it's the circle of life playa. I want you to take a good look at the best friends you have around you because those are your rocks man, and I mean it. If I didn't have these amazing souls around me I wouldn't be here. For a long time the only thing I had going for me was seeing my friends, it was the only sunlight on my darkest days. If you guys are reading this part too, I love each and one of y'all from the bottom of my heart man as I'm wiping tears from my eyes pouring these emotions out right now. You graduate with those same best friends around you and nothing makes you happier than seeing your brothers (and sisters you know I can't forget my girl Gabbi). Everyone is going to tell you that going to school for journalism is tough and could be a stupid decision in a dying field, want to know what you got to say about that? FUCK EM! You got the skills my man, trust your heart and don't listen to your dark thoughts. You pressing the start button on that treadmill on the first day at the gym WILL change your life completely and want to know why? Cause we aren't a fucking quitter, once you start something finish that shit and always try to be the hardest worker in the room. You are going to lose 70 pounds, then there's plenty of bulking and cutting seasons in between. I know you're reading this and are like BULKING??? I just lost all this weight, but it's for the best. I'm not going to lie and say everyday is going to get  better though, cause if I'm being honest I still have plenty of dark days. However, you get to a point where it's okay to talk about those dark days. You're able to talk highly about your two friends who passed away, and not have to cry or hide all the emotions you are currently bottling up inside or trying to hide with food, booze, or weed. I just want you to know I am so damn proud of you for taking that first step and turning that treadmill on because if you didn't I wouldn't be here writing this to you today. Always remember your friends are looking down on you and they are so damn proud of you too man. 

Until Next Time
-PJ

Hopefully I can look back at this first blog post in five years and say "Damn man, I'm so proud you finally got out of that damn writers block."

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